So in the past week I lost my grandfather on my father's side. I was not close to him by any means. The sad thing is most people remember everything bad about him. He was not a nice person, and he didn't spare anyones feelings at any time. But you know what? He was true to himself. How many of us can say that?
I know I surely let what others think and do or ask sway me and my opinions. It's sad and hard to admit, but most of us are that way.
Take for instance, me moving to NY... this is not what I wanted nor do I know if it is still what I want... but I did it because I love Rob and Kyle. I put them over me. Which I think is the way to be.... but sometimes I guess that is not the way to be. Maybe not in big situations like that, but on an everyday basis. I don't even know what my point is... but I know that I am at work right now on a Saturday, not because I want to be... or even need to be.... but I feel bad because I was off from work for four days when my grandfather passed. I feel bad for my boss, I feel bad for Rob.... And WHY? My grandfather is the one who passed away and I feel guilty. Do I put this on myself????? I feel bad for my boss bc he pays me to be here.... and when something happens in VA I am the first to jump up and leave.... but I don't get paid when I am not here???? So..... I guess that should take the guilt out, but it doesn't. Then I feel bad for Rob, bc he is the "bread winner" in the family.... My money barely even helps. He never complains, but I feel so guilty for not making more money and not doing more. Once again is this something I bring on myself? I want to have a job I love... but I have no clue what that is. I want to go back to school but have no clue where to start. I want to still open up my gift shop, but feel like I will never accomplish it.
I guess with writing this stuff all out, maybe I do really need to work on my self image. Maybe I really do think I am not good enough. Who knows. All I know is I sit here at work on Saturday and write this and tears are just coming out of my eyes. I put on a strong front for EVERYONE in my life but myself. How do I fix that?
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Let me try this again...yesterday it did't post.I am sorry to hear you are going through this. If I learned anything the past few months it has been that I have to put yourself first and take care of yourself.You are so strong! Just remember that. XOXO
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